Phew! It sure has been an exciting and pivotal year. YES, I know that we all grow in stages. But this year wasn’t just another increment of healing—instead of going from one grade to the next (say 1st grade to 2nd) I graduated to a new school building altogether!

After over 15 years of active, intense healing and many professional experts, i got naked and faced it all this year.

As I child I was vulnerable and helpless, and endured unspeakable experiences of abuse that was inflicted upon me.  As a teenager I shot myself fearing that my father might kill me.  Maturing into womanhood, much of this abuse continued as repressed memories, shame, guilt, confusion and, more than occasionally, attracting more abuse into my experience as  I lived with a 'victim' mentally, as I felt unworthy and, in fact, deserving of deplorable treatment; a more  insidious layer of abuse includes abusive thoughts, habits, self judgments and criticism I have cultivated and inflicted upon myself.

Believing I was fundamentally flawed, broken and damaged, I looked for help from counselors, therapists, spiritualists, energy workers, shamans, acupuncturist, herbalists, and on and on. 

A year ago, I started the LiMB project. The project required a minimal daily practice, some guidance and support through the process and blogging about my experience. I spent much of this year undoing, opening, and truly living in my body.  

I and my body started to look for and expect each other. Like strangers in an elevator---alone, but not really and knowing that the other knows we're there; and knowing that the other sees us there, we spent some awkward quiet times together. We observed each other. We waited for the other to 'do' something. We yelled at each other. We cried together. We held each other. In inevitable surrender to acknowledging what WAS and knowing that what is now simply IS, we realized that we are in this together. We started to trust each other. I became more mindful of my choices and my body thanked me with ease, lightness, digestion and elimination. We became a team. Then we even became friends.

Today I am my own authority. I am my teacher, my listener, my lover and my friend. I am my own responsibility and the creator of my life's experience. Today I've discovered the miracle of gentle kindness. Today I don't have all of the answers, and don't suspect I ever will.  But I do know that my clarity, confidence and wisdom starts in My Body. It isn't something to be plundered, forced, or bullied. It's like a magical treasure chest that only opens to loving kindness.

Namaste

This morning I woke exhausted after the emotional drain of yesterday and a night of intermittent sleep. When I got on my mat I burst into tears for no apparent reason at all. tempted to my usual reaction of frustration and iritation, i simply let the tears flow. surprisingly, the emotions passed and i was calm within minutes. i stayed low on my mat and had a lazy practice wondering what the day would bring.

i'm not sure why, but whenever i feel low, i dont feel like doing the things that are good for me--like walking. then i see Jake watching me, waiting to finish yoga and do our walk. we walked about 20 minutes. seemingly miraculously i came back with new resolved and a much-imroved attitude.

it was a quiet day of introspection for me.  a little bit of anger, a little remorse, some practical calculations of the financial and emotional costs of giving my trust and power over to others.  reminded to have compassion for myself . but, it's hard. i havent had a lot of practice.

so, well intending i did my best to get therapy and seek help to heal and become clearer, more free and uninhibited in life. all the help i ever sought was for sure well-intended. some practical, some seeming magical and all requiring an investment of time, money and contemplation.

this pyschological crutch evolved into an emotional one as i sought to and did connect with my helpers; fashioning mother, father, sister, brother, friend and lover out of these people i put on a pedalstal and revered beyond the reality of the situation. some, with their own needs and wounds, eagerly accepted and become possessive of this adoration, this mental and emotional love without reality, truth, intimacy and freedom for growth and detachment.

i've learned that abused children are simply compelled back to their abusive family, particularly mommy and daddy who was supposed to love them. must be something wrong with them, they think, as they strive harder and harder to please and appease those who hurt them. i learned this and thought, 'boy, glad i got out. although living more than 3000 miles away the programs, the fears, the experiences still dominated my experiences.

it wasnt until the living in my body project that i truly and utterly faced and experienced the here and now. which included horrific memories; deep sadness; and many open, gaping wounds. it also held the truth and freedom of the present. of healing, being safe, being free--if i would just choose it...because the abuse, criticism, fear, anger and hurt was all in my past. yet carried along in my backpack waiting for acknowledgement, honor, self compassion, forgiveness and release.

 as i moved from state to state and finally from the east coast to the west coast, i wondered why i was still haunted. haunted by the memories. then recreating my own prison. i left my religion--Catholicism--not without traumatic nightmares, intense fears--waking or asleep--and, of course, guilt. so struggling with the biological compulsion to be a good daughter, sister, child and servant, i left my guilt-ridden religious obsession only to discover the new age bullies. here, not only was i guilty, but karmic debt of past lives spent in wrongdoing justified my past experiences and reinforced my duty to maintain my role in the situation.

this year, and only this year, and only by living in my body did i finally get to my own true knowing and karmic debt or not, i'm responsible for caring for my body, loving myself and being my own guardian, guard and gatekeeper for my life. i am the only one who can listen to me --i'm trillions of cells, you know, and no other person has the access, time or duty to listen and respond to all of these. i am the only one who can bring love into my life; if i dont love myself how could i possibly accept, trust or return the love of others?

it's complicated, yet quite simple. and i do realize i need to wind down and tie things together here in the next two days as i complete my living in my body project; but  the truth is the changes are so profound and dynamic, it's difficult to  portray them succinctly. nonetheless, i've only got two days left and am still taking inventory of my blessings.

more tomorrow. Namaste.

and am sure --maybe not sure though that what i'm going to write about doesnt have anything to do with LiMB...actually now that i'm calm again, i can see how it might be most relevant, so i'll start at the beginning of this very long day:

i woke with less time than i'd prefer to do my morning practice, and had to do my walk after a business meeting and a conference call. with another load of calls, meetings and to do's this afternoon, i made sure to walk before i ate lunch(or anything really, as i hadnt eaten all morning). during my walk i saw a squirrel in the street. this always makes me sad, but as i watched i noticed he was still breathing. 'what are you going to do?' my husband asked as we were walking, our dog with us and no way to check on the squirrel without being sure not to be bitten. after much hesitation and confusion i said, 'ok, let's go. i dont know what to do'. several blocks later i just could not go on. i dont know what it was my body was so distraught and i had to do something. we finished our walk and made it home. i figured he must have passed by now. his back broken and in shock in the middle of the street like that.

but i had to go back. so with a shovel, towel, and teary self i headed back to pick him up and put his body in the park or somewhere off the concrete. when i got there he was still breathing. i brought him home. i got some homeopathic rescue remedy and a dropper and sat with him, giving him drops of water and remedy as he'd take it. i called the vets, but no vet was there. the lady who answered the phone offered that he probably wouldnt make it, they usually dont, blah blah blah. and not knowing what to do i just sat with him. and i sang to him and i waited for him to past, maybe selfishly as i couldnt bear to see/think of him in pain. perhaps he was not.

i found him around 12:30 pm and i just buried him-with the help of my husband moments ago, nearly 8 pm. i struggled so much. i couldnt leave him, it didnt feel right. so i sat. nearly 3 hours passed. i didnt do any of my work or planned calls. i couldnt. i wondered if i were 'faking' and not sad, but my heart hurt and i was wishing badly to do something, to make some difference, to somehow ease the passing of this little being.

old memories and criticisms emerged loudly: i heard my mother calling me a sissy and saying i was too sensitive, too babified. and i wondered that maybe i was acting unusual or taking this out of proportion. this went on quite a while actually until i didnt give a crap--i would do what felt good to me in my body and that was being present with the situation. honoring and accepting the sadness and pain of it all.

my husband checked on me now and then suggesting i warm up a bit, bringing me a towel to cry in. and i let myself cry even thought i "thought' it was stupid or ridiculous or oversensitive or any other adjective. i did start to wonder about God. where was it? when would it show up? how long would this poor thing suffer....then i was up against my own faith and trust in life, death, god, the universe whatever. this isnt the first time this year ive faced my doubts and trust that we're all cared for and protected.

earlier this year, my husband found a tiny down bird that had flown into a neighbors window and fallen unconscious, so he brought it to me. i held it til it died and actually felt its spirit leave. a sparrow hit our window and i brought him in out of the rain, held him and gave him droppers of water wtih rescue remedy and about an hour later as we sat in my bathroom he looked out the open window and flew away. a happy ending.

Two weeks ago on my walk a crow got hit by a car. i was all sick in my stomache over it and not sure what to do when suddenly all of these birds showed up and mourned, or celebrated or both ??? the passing of their friend. and so i left. the next morning, i walked right back to where the bird was left and brought him home. he's buried under my holly tree on the other side of where our new furry friend is buried. i dont want to be in charge of burials, and am sure that mother nature doesnt need my help. so i constantly thought of just letting it go, but i could not. so maybe it was self care and doing what i needed to make myself feel better.but it doesnt feel entirely true.

hours after singing, rocking and trying to nurse the squirrel, he got up and started to stir about. eventually, he climbed out of the box and then i saw he had no feeling or movement in his back body--just his claws. my intestines knotted as i watched him struggle and suffer. i considered again trying a vet to euthanize him. but it didnt feel right. it felt unnatural and in many ways cold and even more cruel. so i stayed present. i did the best to make comfortable surroundings as he struggled under a tree in my yard. and when i cat came sneaking up i flew back out of the house to make it clear he was off of tonights menu. i wondered if i was making 'drama' for myself; if i was finding distractions etc. and i checked in with myself again and again and no i was not, i was being true to myself and my feelings.  although i did make calls for help and guidance i did what i felt was right to do.

i guess today was a happy ending but didnt turn out the way i wouldve liked. why 8 hours of intermittent shock, consciousness, pain and struggle. i could probably say that for both of us although respectfully, the squirrel had a much harder journey.

maybe the lesson today is about acceptance. i spoke all strongly about this in my last check-in for the LiMB project. today, that's not where i was at all. but i was entirely in my heart as much as it hurt and as helpless, useless and wierd as i felt. i considered the 'bliss' of not feeling at all, but that just didnt seem right, somehow as sad as i was it felt like a blessing to be real and to really feel and honor my feelings. i remember picking up a rabbit that had just been hit by a car when i was in jacksonville. with my car stopped on an on ramp to the freeway a cop car stopped and two 'manly' cops came to investigate my situation as i used a beach towel to lift the rabbit of the road.  as i was explaining the situation and as they were rolling their eyes smirking at each other a deeper, fuller me emerged. and seeing i had no plans to get out of the road without assistance, i quickly had the name and address of the nearest vet that was open on sundays for emergency care.

today i realized  that i truly would wish no being to suffer. so for me to worry about causing my family suffering or being mean is just not true. it couldnt be. i know that because i spent the day in my heart. i cried as much as many funerals, really. but it wasnt different--like me tears were real, and they were conscious and it wasnt obligatory or expected or programmed as perhaps they've been in the past.

there's more i could say, but it's been a long day and now it's time for me to get back to work. i even have another conference call here in about 30 minutes (yes, at 9PM--can you believe it??) and this blog doesnt talk about yoga at all. more tomorrow.

Peace

361 days into the living in my body project.  my daily practice today was very mild. with extreme cramping i resolved to lying still and being in my belly. experimenting with feelings, sensations and intentional movements. very light. yesterday's yoga class involved much belly work via legs movements and exercise while lying flat on the mat--this engages so much of our bellies and mine was especially sore coming into my cycle perhaps a day or two early after so much stimulation.

reflecting on my year and filling in a chart of progress/changes/learning during the course of the year, i fell repeatedly into remorse for not separating myself completely from abusive relationships sooner. and then i remember i am here now and cannot change my past. i also appreciate the knowledge of the psychology of abuses children who have a biological attachment to their parents and often flee safe houses and rescues to return to their parents. it's well documented and sadly tragic. it reminds me of an elephant born here in Oregon; it's mother for some reason would not take to it and would actually try to kill it; the baby elephant moaned and longed to be with it's mother. although only a glimpse on the tv, the pictures and sounds haunt my consciousness.

then, TWO separate therapists and good intenders--each more than 3000 miles apart--repeatedly reinforced my need to heal my relationship with my family; to make it well somehow. reluctantly i continued to wait and hope for some miraculous reconciliation. the truth is that one who is abused can not heal without ending abusive relationships and connections.

i will mention just one more illusion: my reliance on 'energy healers' and new age experts who suggested that my abusive situation was somehow deserved from past life abusing and or a blessing of an opportunity for me to learn and grow spiritually. this may all be very well true, but my true responsibiltiy is to love and care for myself in this lifetime. all i have is the present moment; so with a very expensive and mentally entertaining lesson i realize that even the mystical mental gymnastics offer no obligation for enduring and/or prolonging abuse in memory, thought, attitude, expectation or relationship.

i now enjoy 10 -12 yoga classes finding my own answers, my own self, my own truth and wisdom for the cost of JUST ONE 'therapy/healing' session.

Namaste.

My lower back is still sore and tight. tonight  i was in so much pain, it hurt just putting my dog's dinner dish down on the floor. i started to get mad again--because it's self-induced. immediately i went into my practice room and got on my mat. i was patient and opened and invited my lower back to relax and sink down onto the floor. it did feel like my back did release a bit. and i just stayed in this position with my hands on my tight belly. i didnt force anything, i didnt try to fix anything; i just was present with my aching back, my belly that felt tied in knots and my desire to fix, force and control it all. eventually i did feel maybe a 20% shift in my mood and body.

Namaste